만나보지는 못했지만 어떤삶을 살았는지 알것같은 개.
가 죽다.
죽음 앞에서 이렇게 평화로운 그림을 그려도 되는걸까
언니의 글을 읽으며 나도 토니처럼 삶을 깨물며 살고 싶다고 느꼈다.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
why here?
건축학과 인간들과 얽히다보니 재미난 꼬마 친구를 하나 알게 됐다. 진영이라고, 아버지 건축-중에서도 virtual space - 엄마 미술의 가정ground(?)를 가진 스무살 대학 3학년. 모교 교수인 아버지가 떠나신 후 저 혼자 샌프란 좀 보고 놀고 간다고 우리집에 잠시 있게 되었어. 아마 내가 하는 것 같은 전공을 하고싶은 모양이다. 음악을 좋아해서 밴드 포지션 보컬. 내성적인 얼굴. 나이 차이가 나는 데도 금방 친해졌다. 진영인 피식피식 웃으면서 거의 나와 살고싶어하는 것 같다. 그 참... 녀석. 이 누님이 자신보다 열 살도 넘는 누님이시건만 첫째라 그런가... 하는 짓이 꼭 내 동생 석규같다. 제가 나를 보살피려든다. 저녁에 오무라이스와 오뎅탕을 끓여서 먹고있는데 문득 진영이가 물었다. "누나" "응?" "누나는 미국 계속 살고 싶어요? 아니면 한국 돌아가서 살고 싶어요? 미국 평생 살라면 살 수 있을 것 같아요?" "글쎄... 걍 왔다갔다 하지 않을까? 엄마아빠가 보고싶긴 한데... 부모님도 왔다갔다 하실 수만 있으면... 뭐 못 살것도 없지. 한국 가서 할 수 있는 재밌는 일도 있으니까 나중엔 가고싶으려나.. 몰라. 봐서. 왜? " " 그냥요. 그럼 외국 사람이랑 결혼을 할 수 도 있을 거 같아요?" "글쎄... 한국말을 못하는 게 좀 그렇긴 한데... 정말 좋은 사람을 만나면- 흠... 사람 따라 다르겠지 뭐. " (...) "누나는 죽으면요" "응?" "ㅎㅎ 매장하고 싶어요 화장하고 싶어요? " "응? ㅎㅎ 뭐 상관없을 것 같은데. 어차피 다른 사람들이 알아서 하지않을까?"
말하다 보니 내가 말해놓고도 내가 좀 우스운 것 같다. 뭐랄까... 지금 여기서 east-timor 다큐를 만들고 있는 나는 대체 뭘까 싶다고나. 왜 여기냐. 어떤 사람과 살거냐. 어떤 죽음이냐. 그런 질문 앞에 졸지에 꼬맹이 덕에 서고보니 나라는 사람이 참 웃긴다. 진영이는 또 물었다. "그럼 죽으면 왜 몇 줄 쓰는 거 있잖아요. 거긴 뭐라고 썼으면 좋겠어요?" "묘비에 쓰는 거?" "음. 예." " - 에- 누군가의 사랑하는 사람이라고 썼으면 좋겠는데?" "- 사랑받은 사람?" "뭐 사랑도 받고 사랑도 하고." "왜요" "왜? - ㅎㅎ 무슨 사업체가 컸다 뭐 그런 건 아닌 거 같고. 누구누구의 어머니 -뭐 좋겠지만 어머니가 될 수 있을지도 모르겠고 애는 자기가 크는 거니 것도 아닌 거 같고 - 무슨 훌륭한 아티스트 그건 됐어. ㅎㅎ 뭐 딴 거 있나? "
얼결에 말하고 보니 정말 그런 것 같다. 왜 east-timor냐 하는 질문은 중요하지 않을른지도 모른다는 생각이 든다. 중요한 건 내가 그 사람들에게 어떤 사람이냐 하는 걸 꺼다. - 사랑. 은 아니라도 아파 누워있는 사람에게 따뜻하게 손 한 번 이라도 잡아줄 수 있는 사람이냐 하는 걸지도 모르겠다. 썬이 올려둔 싱가폴의 어설픈 missionary 영상을 보면서 문득 어떤 친구가 생각났다. 의사였던 그는 그 피곤한 인턴 시절에도 자신이 배정받은 중환자 침대 옆에 앉아 밤을 새며 그의 건강을 위해 기도하다 졸다 잠들곤 했던 바보같은 사람이었다.
나의 한숨은 사랑없는 나를 위한 한숨이다.
바보처럼 사랑많던 내 친구. 그를 생각하며 나에게도 기도하는 마음을 허락해 주셨으면 하고. 사랑하는 사람이 되게 해주셨으면 하고.
말하다 보니 내가 말해놓고도 내가 좀 우스운 것 같다. 뭐랄까... 지금 여기서 east-timor 다큐를 만들고 있는 나는 대체 뭘까 싶다고나. 왜 여기냐. 어떤 사람과 살거냐. 어떤 죽음이냐. 그런 질문 앞에 졸지에 꼬맹이 덕에 서고보니 나라는 사람이 참 웃긴다. 진영이는 또 물었다. "그럼 죽으면 왜 몇 줄 쓰는 거 있잖아요. 거긴 뭐라고 썼으면 좋겠어요?" "묘비에 쓰는 거?" "음. 예." " - 에- 누군가의 사랑하는 사람이라고 썼으면 좋겠는데?" "- 사랑받은 사람?" "뭐 사랑도 받고 사랑도 하고." "왜요" "왜? - ㅎㅎ 무슨 사업체가 컸다 뭐 그런 건 아닌 거 같고. 누구누구의 어머니 -뭐 좋겠지만 어머니가 될 수 있을지도 모르겠고 애는 자기가 크는 거니 것도 아닌 거 같고 - 무슨 훌륭한 아티스트 그건 됐어. ㅎㅎ 뭐 딴 거 있나? "
얼결에 말하고 보니 정말 그런 것 같다. 왜 east-timor냐 하는 질문은 중요하지 않을른지도 모른다는 생각이 든다. 중요한 건 내가 그 사람들에게 어떤 사람이냐 하는 걸 꺼다. - 사랑. 은 아니라도 아파 누워있는 사람에게 따뜻하게 손 한 번 이라도 잡아줄 수 있는 사람이냐 하는 걸지도 모르겠다. 썬이 올려둔 싱가폴의 어설픈 missionary 영상을 보면서 문득 어떤 친구가 생각났다. 의사였던 그는 그 피곤한 인턴 시절에도 자신이 배정받은 중환자 침대 옆에 앉아 밤을 새며 그의 건강을 위해 기도하다 졸다 잠들곤 했던 바보같은 사람이었다.
나의 한숨은 사랑없는 나를 위한 한숨이다.
바보처럼 사랑많던 내 친구. 그를 생각하며 나에게도 기도하는 마음을 허락해 주셨으면 하고. 사랑하는 사람이 되게 해주셨으면 하고.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
maromak diak (lit: God good)
these are singaporean missionaries who've come to live in Timor.
I've accompanied them to maubara, where one of the Singaporean pastors live, on a sunday to see what the service was like.
I've accompanied them to maubara, where one of the Singaporean pastors live, on a sunday to see what the service was like.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
아침부터 난리람?
언니야, 안넝?
일찍 일어나서 일한다는게 또 의자에 앉아 졸았다.
목이 무지 아파서 집중이 안되길래 주유소에 나가서 커피 코코아를 타왔다.
이른 아침이라 분위기가 엄청 살벌했다.
장거리 운전을 해야 하는 트러커들로 커피바는 붐볐고, 캘리포니아 에서 살다온 동양 여자는 신기하게 처다보는 인간들이 적응이 잘 안됨을 또 한번 느꼈다.
잠꼬대의 왕 남자친구 깰라 문을 조용히 닫고 컴퓨터를 열었다.
언니 한테 새로 사진을 올렸다는걸 알리러 블로그에 들어왔다.
http://picasaweb.google.com/lee.sun.j
사실은 더 많은데 친구랑 카메라를 돌려가며 찍어서 내가 찍지 않은 사진도 들어있는 앨범은 안 올렸다. 보고 싶으면 언니가 말해주길.
젠장 이 이십 아온스 커피는 내가 한글을 쓰는 시간에 내 뱃속으로 이미 다 이동해 버렸다.
미친것!
일찍 일어나서 일한다는게 또 의자에 앉아 졸았다.
목이 무지 아파서 집중이 안되길래 주유소에 나가서 커피 코코아를 타왔다.
이른 아침이라 분위기가 엄청 살벌했다.
장거리 운전을 해야 하는 트러커들로 커피바는 붐볐고, 캘리포니아 에서 살다온 동양 여자는 신기하게 처다보는 인간들이 적응이 잘 안됨을 또 한번 느꼈다.
잠꼬대의 왕 남자친구 깰라 문을 조용히 닫고 컴퓨터를 열었다.
언니 한테 새로 사진을 올렸다는걸 알리러 블로그에 들어왔다.
http://picasaweb.google.com/lee.sun.j
사실은 더 많은데 친구랑 카메라를 돌려가며 찍어서 내가 찍지 않은 사진도 들어있는 앨범은 안 올렸다. 보고 싶으면 언니가 말해주길.
젠장 이 이십 아온스 커피는 내가 한글을 쓰는 시간에 내 뱃속으로 이미 다 이동해 버렸다.
미친것!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
For 'how are people coping with the past?'
너무 졸리웠다. 못한다 안한다는 말은 죽어도 않는 은미의 성격을 알기에 여러 번 다짐했지만, 일정 자체가 무리였고, 은미는 무작정 과속으로 달리고 있었다. 아차 정신을 차렸을 때에는 차는 균형을 잃고 중앙선을 넘어서 공터를 미친듯 덜컹거리며 달려가고 순간 나는 깨달았다. '사고구나' - 반사적으로 '괜찮아 괜찮아' '브레이크' 하고 은미 쪽으로 몸을 돌리고 나서는 - 정신을 잃었던 것 같다. 눈을 뜨자 몸이 병원 침대 위에 뉘여져 있다는 것과 그 침대가 돌돌이 바퀴 침대라는 것 응급실로 들어가고 있다는 것 낯선 사람들이 내게 영어로 말을 걸고 있다는 것을 알았다. 은미는 옆에서 미친듯 내 이름을 부르면서 괜찮아요? 를 반복하고 있었다. 음.. 다쳤구나. 어디를 얼마나 다친걸까. 의외로 침착한 마음이었다. 누군가 내게 영어로 괜찮은지, yes라는 대답에 그럼 이름은? hojin chang. c. h. a. n. g. 직업은? student. in uc berkeley. 키는? one hundred sixty three centimeter. I'm sorry, i'm always confused in inches. 몸무게는? 110. - but I gained some weight recently. think I need a diet. can you write down 110 anyway? 그가 웃었다. 얘 농담한다. she's fine. 내가 어떤 상태인지 알아야한다는 생각이 들었다. how much did I get hurt? 내 질문에 그들은 차례로 내 교통사고 정황과 친구는 무사하다는 것, 그리고 나는 머리를 부딪혔고 목을 조금 다쳐서 지금 사진을 찍을 것이라는 것, 그리고 이곳은 handford의 병원 응급실이라는 것을 이야기해주었다. 잠시 후 사진을 찍고나서 의사가 왔다갔고, 그들은 내게 내 눈이 점점 lacoon eyes가 되어서 혹시 머리에 이상이 있을지 모르니 큰 병원으로 옮겨서 다시 검사를 받는 게 좋을 것 같다고 했다. 너구리눈? 머리에 이상있으면 안되는데. - 난 은미를 불러서 내 핸드폰을 가지고 있으면 거기서 은주와 renee 그리고 예진을 찾아서 전화를 해달라고 했다. 말 하는 게 힘이 들었다. 조금 후에 나는 다시 엠뷸런스를 타고 다른 병원으로 이송되는 것 같았다. 한 남자 간호사가 함께 타고 있는 듯 했다. 그는 내게 앞서 누군가가 물은 이름 직업 키 몸무게를 같은 순으로 물었고 노트북에 무언가 기입하는 것 같았다. 나는 차 이동이 무리였는지 공간 감각이 이상해지면서 정신이 멀어지는 것 같았다. 그 때였다. 그 간호사는 'how wonderful you are-' 하는 말을 두 번 반복하고는 그 노트북을 내 다리 사이에 올려놓았다. 명백히 교묘한 고의였다. 나쁜-무서운 사람 - 아무도 주위에 없구나 - 순간적으로 여러 생각이 머리를 스쳐갔다. 차가 어딘가에 도착하는 것 같았다. 친절한 목소리들이 들려오고 그들은 나를 들어 다른 침대로 옮겨 실었다. 여자의 목소리. 흑인이구나. 안심이 조금 되었다. 그녀는 내 허락을 구한 후 내 아래 위 속옷을 가위로 잘라내고 소변기를 끼웠다. 둔탁한 아픔이 느껴졌다. 나는 그녀에게 옷을 잘 덮어달라고 말했다. sweetie, don't worry. 얼굴은 보이지 않았는데 분명 아줌마다. 조금지나자 의사들이 의견을 나누는 소리가 들려왔다. 이것좀 보라고 하는 걸 보니 내 너구리눈이 뭔가 구경거리가 되는모양이었다. 아무래도 누군가 내 편이 필요하구나. 하는 생각이 스치고 지나갔다. 영어를 할 줄 아는 의사. 은미를 불러달라고 해 나는 은주에게 전화를 다시 해달라고 했다. 은주의 친구인 예전에 본 일있는 닥터김이 지금 오고있는 중이라고 했다.
조금 지나자 눈을 애써 뜰 수 있었다. 응급실의 기둥이 보였다. 젊은 의사가 와서 내 신경을 검사하고 갔다. 저쪽에서 바바리를 휘날리면서 닥터김이 서둘러 뛰어오는게 보였다. 그 사람의 의견으로도 너구리눈 때문에 머리가 걱정될 뿐 특별히 다른 신경손상이 보이지는 않는다고 했다. 조금 지나자 차례로 dan과 예진이 도착했다. 내일 아침까지 경과를 봐야하니 하루밤 병실에 있어야한다고 했다. ( car accident - 너구리눈편 ^^)
조금 지나자 눈을 애써 뜰 수 있었다. 응급실의 기둥이 보였다. 젊은 의사가 와서 내 신경을 검사하고 갔다. 저쪽에서 바바리를 휘날리면서 닥터김이 서둘러 뛰어오는게 보였다. 그 사람의 의견으로도 너구리눈 때문에 머리가 걱정될 뿐 특별히 다른 신경손상이 보이지는 않는다고 했다. 조금 지나자 차례로 dan과 예진이 도착했다. 내일 아침까지 경과를 봐야하니 하루밤 병실에 있어야한다고 했다. ( car accident - 너구리눈편 ^^)
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
emotion and reason
if I have, I would give it to you, my friend. :) To me, pity is something you feel with a certain distance, but compassion is something you can't just leave from, something make you act. I am not a big fan of Kundera anymore, but he kinda define love like this; love is something you can't turn around and leave without any 'reason'. You share this weird 'sym-pathy' with somebody(total stranger)- and this sympathy is the highest emotional state we can achieve while we live.well, I feel a little bit sad about his definition on love - bc even though I agree with his attempt to be 'really honest' about our 'being'- or maybe I should say our 'clumsy-selfish-being', but, don't have to lie that we are so cool and selfish like that. If we are, what the hell he is doing, all mumbling about 'desire to be one' or whatever 'sym-pathy' or things? No offense to my ex-favorite writer ^.- , for I totally agree with him in that love starts from 'action' not just 'imagining inside of oneself', and I really respect our peaceful-honest 'existentialist tradition', and their fear about crazy heart, but it seems like a very 'full of being afraid' definition to me. Yeah, He likes stravinsky, and so do I, and we all are afraid of wars(crazy heart also), but I am afraid of his 'passive-right' answer too. Is life a thing really really I have to be afraid of like that? Do I really have to see myself with that point of view? Maybe that's right answer 'being a cool' or maybe 'warm'.
However, I am a foolish. Hell with 'being right'. - choose either hot or cold. ^.-
However, I am a foolish. Hell with 'being right'. - choose either hot or cold. ^.-
Monday, August 4, 2008
la politica
Everyone in Timor seems to have been intensely involved in the independence struggle. I don’t think anyone is neutral when it comes to politics. They all have very strong opinions, and I attribute it to the tradition of wanting something and actually seeing it get done. Circumstances have facilitated this—while in bigger countries, political will and action are wieldy and clumsy at best when they try to become actualized, in a small and young government like Timor’s, it is a few people at top who makes the decisions and the politicians who can sway their opinion are in relative easy reach of the people.
This notion came to me as I was looking for people to interview in Timor. I wanted to find people that have had interesting and notable experiences during the independence struggle and upon its inauguration in 1999. I thought I would only be able to find a handful of people that would be willing to talk to me, but in fact, I realized I had a wealth of readily accessible sources all around me. Every Timorese friend I asked had a relative who was an important part of the movement or had an interesting perspective. Such was the case in my interview with Janio’s dad. My friend Sergio (who, by the way, must be the best translator in Timor) was busy and couldn’t translate for me one day and he called his friend Janio to sub for him. Janio was not an impressive translator—he refused to do some things I asked him to do (like calling to schedule appointments) and gave me a lot of stress but if nothing else he introduced me to wonderful interviewees.
Janio told me about how his father had close relations with Xanana (the former president and current prime minister of Timor) during the revolution. I was excited by this piece of information and when I went down to Same during a visit to Hato Udo province, I specifically looked for Janio’s father and interviewed him. It was probably one of the best pieces of footage I had ever acquired during my time there—not only in terms of content, but lucky me--aesthetics as well.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
compassion
I guess one day pity must turn into compassion. But where does this process begin? Am I even on the right path? I am 'indifferent' now...I wonder if this is that slope between pity and compassion or if I haven't even gotten to 'pity.'
unni, you had the answers...enlighten me.
unni, you had the answers...enlighten me.
oh, my april update for JLS--just FYI
April update
Never before did I imagine windstorms in tropical climates. But the final stretch of my time in Timor was nothing less than just that. The theoretical fundamentals anchoring my project violently tousled about and spiraled into a chaotic whirlwind that wouldn’t stay wrapped around my head. By theoretical fundamentals, I am referring to the ideas I went into Timor firmly believing—in particular the self-proclaimed resolution that a concept such as absolute justice exists. Why, I thought, of course there were rights and wrongs and I had no qualms pointing them out. But with the gradual maturation of the project came first the hesitation to speak with such audacity, which was then followed by a sincere silence fueled by honest introspection.
Seeking answers regarding positivist concepts such as justice seemed grossly inappropriate when the questions themselves opened up to so much theoretical reflection. My initial intention to point to moral absolutes in examining Timor’s historical injustices amounted to nothing more than the quintessential mistake internationals make when they come to Timor to ‘do good.’ That is—working from one’s own pre-conceived notions instead of adapting to the local circumstances and devising creative solutions. We see this in all types of international work—whether in law, development, health, etc.
I was frustrated by the rise of these questions not only because it suffocated that naïve hopefulness I came to Timor with but also because these mental stirrings brought my initial boiling enthusiasm to a simmer and thus tempered my productivity. On the other hand, I’ve tried to mitigate such suspicion by telling myself that this may be plain academic snobbery, and it might as well be. I, as an outsider who has a ridiculously small stake in this in comparison to the locals, have the leisure to step back and ponder these questions in the comfort of my California home.
I never expected a rainbow-colored happy ending. But right now no ending seems to exist. I had planned to criticize the current state and thereby impose moral judgments but I have come to wonder whether absolutes can have its place in a society where reality is best understood in relative terms. So here I am, awaiting departure from this country I have failed to fall in love with, but without the much-yearned-for conclusion regarding my initial inquiries. No, actually—the answers couldn’t be any clearer, but I want now, to lay them where I found them--there in its entire cacophonous array. I have thought and then thought again only to become more ashamed of the desperate effort at interpretation.
Four plus months of being in Timor also affected me physically and emotionally. The all-consuming nature and methodology of this study became nourishment for a type of existential depression and trying not to have it personally affect me because a daily and conscious task. Listening to painful confessions of victims became more exhausting as the hours added up, and interviews became a dreadful affair. In order to stay sane, I had to space out interviews so I could give myself some time to flush out emotional residue in between.
Timor is not letting go of its grip upon this phase of my life. This is not a mere metaphor, for I have found Timor to have such an effect on others as well. When asked, individuals express strong feelings about Timor. The opinions run extreme—they either hate it or love it--but one thing they can agree on is Timor’s ability to permanently change people. At the end of my period in Timor, I also felt that Timor impacted me in rather irreparable ways. Could it be a cynicism rooted in maturity? Could it be disappointment at a failed love? I can’t even pinpoint what exactly was the thing that changed me, let alone define how I have changed. But I am a different person in multiple ways and I can no longer go back to seeing the world in the light I did before this experience. I really am leaving a part of me behind in Timor.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
good coffee
unni, this is my 30th ounce of coffee in less than 2 hours. there is a gas station right across from our house and it's awesome (or not). but it's good to be wired, as i am now! I am writing you about 'speedoman' right now. 기대하시라.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
fried rice?
The drive down to Hato Udo, in Ainaro district, was wet and long. After three hours of driving, we stopped by this guesthouse in order to refresh ourselves and get a bite to eat. On the 2 hour of waiting for our food to come out (actually quite typical of Timor), I decided to venture into the kitchen to see what the hell was going on back there.
nasty coffee
I hadn’t really slept properly the night before, with the need to change the tape in my dv camera every hour during the capturing process. When morning came, I was exhausted and wasn’t sure if I could do the drive to Atambua. But I realized I had little choice as Sisto was going to accompany me to West Timor that day, and the last thing I wanted to do was to cancel on him. I didn’t want him to get the impression that I wasn’t excited about this, because the translator’s enthusiasm matters a great deal in how the interview turns out. So I threw something on, rubbing my sleepy eyes, and got into the car. Needless to say, I needed caffeine soon after our departure and we stopped by some shack in order to get some.
Kopi Indonesia actually tasted better than it looked. Too bad it wasn’t Café Timor though.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Inventory
Today I did an inventory of what we have, what we don't have, and what we should have (which will be sent by that crazy fool Julio).
hell, I wish I could be in Timor right now to ring his neck.
----------------------------------------------------
Currently have: 8 tapes
22, 23, 24, 25, 26, [1, 3, 4 of Atambua]
Gave them:
Tape 2, 3, 4, 6, 7 (not sure—UNTL/Sisto), 8 + 9 (Becora), 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16 + 17 (Matak), 19, 20, 22 (Maun Julino—don’t need tape), 24, 25, 26, [4 atambua series]
this is 24 without 7, so I must have given them 7 and one more. Which?
Need to request the following video numbers from MS Center:
2, 3, 4 (?), 6, 7 (?), 8 or 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16 or 17, 19, 20
total: 12 or if including the question marks, 14 total.
Worthy interviews (filmed ok and translated decently)
• Tape 2: Pascoela de Deus, Pedro Arrauso Lemos
• Tape 3: the woman who had father killed, the girl that had father killed
• Tape 6: Maubara/Alfonso (CAVR) –half of Derek’s landlord
• *just one of Tape 8 or 9--Becora
• Tape 10: Ermera (Mauricio dos Reis, Adriano Lemos)
• Tape 11: Ermera day 2 at market (Mario Etposto, et al)
• Tape 12: Same/Hato Udo
• Tape 13: the Hato Udo guerilla fighters
• Tape 15: Manatuto—guy at fishing village and Jose’s friend schoolteacher
• *just one of Tape 16 or 17--Matak
• Tape 19: IDP Camp (2 interviews)
• Tape 20: Same—Janio’s dad
• Tape 22: Maun Julino
• Tape 24: Liquica commemoration—the woman that had baby in church and Edio’s moving voice on the loudspeaker during ceremony
• Tape 25 and 26—all Liquica comm. But I think they are pretty good
• Atambua series—ditto.
They now owe me about 10 tapes worth of transcr/translations.
I will email you a rough copy of the document I've compiled. It's not well sorted though, so just read it if you're bored.
hell, I wish I could be in Timor right now to ring his neck.
----------------------------------------------------
Currently have: 8 tapes
22, 23, 24, 25, 26, [1, 3, 4 of Atambua]
Gave them:
Tape 2, 3, 4, 6, 7 (not sure—UNTL/Sisto), 8 + 9 (Becora), 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16 + 17 (Matak), 19, 20, 22 (Maun Julino—don’t need tape), 24, 25, 26, [4 atambua series]
this is 24 without 7, so I must have given them 7 and one more. Which?
Need to request the following video numbers from MS Center:
2, 3, 4 (?), 6, 7 (?), 8 or 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16 or 17, 19, 20
total: 12 or if including the question marks, 14 total.
Worthy interviews (filmed ok and translated decently)
• Tape 2: Pascoela de Deus, Pedro Arrauso Lemos
• Tape 3: the woman who had father killed, the girl that had father killed
• Tape 6: Maubara/Alfonso (CAVR) –half of Derek’s landlord
• *just one of Tape 8 or 9--Becora
• Tape 10: Ermera (Mauricio dos Reis, Adriano Lemos)
• Tape 11: Ermera day 2 at market (Mario Etposto, et al)
• Tape 12: Same/Hato Udo
• Tape 13: the Hato Udo guerilla fighters
• Tape 15: Manatuto—guy at fishing village and Jose’s friend schoolteacher
• *just one of Tape 16 or 17--Matak
• Tape 19: IDP Camp (2 interviews)
• Tape 20: Same—Janio’s dad
• Tape 22: Maun Julino
• Tape 24: Liquica commemoration—the woman that had baby in church and Edio’s moving voice on the loudspeaker during ceremony
• Tape 25 and 26—all Liquica comm. But I think they are pretty good
• Atambua series—ditto.
They now owe me about 10 tapes worth of transcr/translations.
I will email you a rough copy of the document I've compiled. It's not well sorted though, so just read it if you're bored.
Stolen footage
Looking through my list of video contents on each tape I am realizing what I have lost. I didn’t think it mattered that much to me but the idea of them being forever irretrievable brings a bitter taste to my mouth. I’m not sad, but disheartened, I guess.
The work I did is in ruins and whatever heart I had for Timor is broken.
The work I did is in ruins and whatever heart I had for Timor is broken.
Monday, July 28, 2008
i wrote this in my notebook in timor...not sure if i still feel this way.
My critical and analytical self is being (mis)directed by the person that I am at this juncture in life, at 25 years. At this place in time, I am confused, cynical, and questioning of everything I have ever known or believed. I am no longer patient enough to preach peace, or have the energy to build hope from the ground up. It’s not a matter of arrogance—for it’s not that I think I know better. I don’t, and that’s precisely why I just don’t feel very hopeful about the course of world events. Or perhaps I unconsciously refuse to believe so I wouldn’t get hurt as much.
memory part 3
My impressions on how people seemed to be coping with the past.
Are they forgetting/putting aside in order to move on or are they living or coping with the past so they can live to see something be done about it? What thoughts about colonialism and post-colonialism? To think that colonialism can have such a legacy upon a people. When we look at world history as a whole, it becomes obvious that colonialism was one of the strongest historical forces that changed the fate of modern society. A lot of the problems we now deal with today are direct consequences of the historical past. In many cases, genocides and war are closely related to a history of colonial rule and the ethnic and social tensions that rose during or after the period of colonization. Funny thing is that it seems though, that the colonized are not so aware, or do not care to analyze their situation in such historical terms. And it makes me wonder whether these theoretical ponderings are also a western approach to engaging with the other world. We look it as subjects of analysis and take a formulaic approach to try to understand them. Instead of learning by association, by fully immersing oneself into a culture and their habits, we go there with pen and paper, being the mindful and careful anthropologists we were well trained to be. To me the setup is less than genuine, and even tragic in some ways. So is it impossible for the west to ‘observe’ or ‘study’ a culture or phenomenon in the east without subscribing to (perpetuating?) this dynamic? I guess this is what I realized when I was there and what made me shake in distaste. Although not purely anthropological, my project was to still, to solicit their opinion, record it, and bring it back to ‘my world’ for show.
But should I be that harsh to myself? Setting aside what it looks like theoretically from the outside, I as an individual had better intent than that. I was aware of this pitfall, but hoped I could, as a student of such modern dilemmas, approach the Timorese from the their side of the looking glass. I meant to say that I was one of them and I was willing to fight the ivory tower with them. I meant to tell them that I understand their dilemmas and frustrations and that I would be a part of their voice. For the time that I was there, I wanted to set aside my own theoretical suspicions in order to take them for who they were. But regardless of what I “meant” to do, amidst the continuing force of global order, the most I could do was merely to confront reality, but not so far as to change the status quo. During interviews I often found myself drifting off into a lament about the set-up of the current world order, of how the third world is made to be accountable to the first but not vice versa. Also, of how violent it is that these people are asked to tell their stories for our interpretation of their situation…
To all of you that have encouraged and (much too hastily) congratulated me on my efforts to bring their voices up on our terms, our stage, our podium, how am I supposed to tell you that many Timorese asked for monetary compensation in return for their personal stories? Their attitude was that they were doing me a service and I should pay for the service. I was acutely shocked when I was asked it, but then I wondered, why not? Researchers come there all the time asking for the locals’ favor to finish their dissertation paper or a report for the NGO they work at, but the Timorese are left with nothing, less an empty heart. This is precisely the reasoning the solicitors brought forth. And in cases of desperation, we all know that saving face takes no precedent. How can we place shame on someone’s decision to capitalize on something, when that means having food for his family for a week? This is what I mean, when I say theory is so irrelevant when it comes down to the fundamentals. Dangling meat in front of starving people is unethical only to those that have the leisure to ponder the morality of such an act.
Are they forgetting/putting aside in order to move on or are they living or coping with the past so they can live to see something be done about it? What thoughts about colonialism and post-colonialism? To think that colonialism can have such a legacy upon a people. When we look at world history as a whole, it becomes obvious that colonialism was one of the strongest historical forces that changed the fate of modern society. A lot of the problems we now deal with today are direct consequences of the historical past. In many cases, genocides and war are closely related to a history of colonial rule and the ethnic and social tensions that rose during or after the period of colonization. Funny thing is that it seems though, that the colonized are not so aware, or do not care to analyze their situation in such historical terms. And it makes me wonder whether these theoretical ponderings are also a western approach to engaging with the other world. We look it as subjects of analysis and take a formulaic approach to try to understand them. Instead of learning by association, by fully immersing oneself into a culture and their habits, we go there with pen and paper, being the mindful and careful anthropologists we were well trained to be. To me the setup is less than genuine, and even tragic in some ways. So is it impossible for the west to ‘observe’ or ‘study’ a culture or phenomenon in the east without subscribing to (perpetuating?) this dynamic? I guess this is what I realized when I was there and what made me shake in distaste. Although not purely anthropological, my project was to still, to solicit their opinion, record it, and bring it back to ‘my world’ for show.
But should I be that harsh to myself? Setting aside what it looks like theoretically from the outside, I as an individual had better intent than that. I was aware of this pitfall, but hoped I could, as a student of such modern dilemmas, approach the Timorese from the their side of the looking glass. I meant to say that I was one of them and I was willing to fight the ivory tower with them. I meant to tell them that I understand their dilemmas and frustrations and that I would be a part of their voice. For the time that I was there, I wanted to set aside my own theoretical suspicions in order to take them for who they were. But regardless of what I “meant” to do, amidst the continuing force of global order, the most I could do was merely to confront reality, but not so far as to change the status quo. During interviews I often found myself drifting off into a lament about the set-up of the current world order, of how the third world is made to be accountable to the first but not vice versa. Also, of how violent it is that these people are asked to tell their stories for our interpretation of their situation…
To all of you that have encouraged and (much too hastily) congratulated me on my efforts to bring their voices up on our terms, our stage, our podium, how am I supposed to tell you that many Timorese asked for monetary compensation in return for their personal stories? Their attitude was that they were doing me a service and I should pay for the service. I was acutely shocked when I was asked it, but then I wondered, why not? Researchers come there all the time asking for the locals’ favor to finish their dissertation paper or a report for the NGO they work at, but the Timorese are left with nothing, less an empty heart. This is precisely the reasoning the solicitors brought forth. And in cases of desperation, we all know that saving face takes no precedent. How can we place shame on someone’s decision to capitalize on something, when that means having food for his family for a week? This is what I mean, when I say theory is so irrelevant when it comes down to the fundamentals. Dangling meat in front of starving people is unethical only to those that have the leisure to ponder the morality of such an act.
Memory part 2
The encounter itself. How are we to feel, what are we supposed to say?
I was never sure of these things so I role-played. The encounter between the interviewer and the interviewee becomes a game, a fabrication of sorts. I feel what I am supposed to feel given the difficult stories I am programmed to listen to, but compassion soon turns into disinterest, and language…into silence. Was this a result of realizing that what I thought was so important and relevant does not carry the same significance in the whole of things? Realizing that I had looked at an entire country and a people with a singular view, that is, ‘a people in need of something, i.e justice?’ Then I have to wonder whether I had made the wrong decision in devoting a year of my life to this. I did everything that I was supposed to do and did it well—endured (life and living) circumstances, reveled in excitement and anticipation (over both people and events), exerted my physical and emotional body, and thought hard about the global social order (relief work, war crimes, various development theories), but nothing really remains. I’m disappointed to learn that I have not learned what love is. Even after death.
My duty to look at the state of Timor with a critical eye was compromised by a nihilistic blight that hit me at a sweet twenty-five. But how is it fair that I am seeking answers to my existential crises in this project? How can I shake in distaste when it was I that imposed such a heavy responsibility on their shoulders?
**Parallel this ‘felt’ experience with Ho Jin’s physical experience.
I was never sure of these things so I role-played. The encounter between the interviewer and the interviewee becomes a game, a fabrication of sorts. I feel what I am supposed to feel given the difficult stories I am programmed to listen to, but compassion soon turns into disinterest, and language…into silence. Was this a result of realizing that what I thought was so important and relevant does not carry the same significance in the whole of things? Realizing that I had looked at an entire country and a people with a singular view, that is, ‘a people in need of something, i.e justice?’ Then I have to wonder whether I had made the wrong decision in devoting a year of my life to this. I did everything that I was supposed to do and did it well—endured (life and living) circumstances, reveled in excitement and anticipation (over both people and events), exerted my physical and emotional body, and thought hard about the global social order (relief work, war crimes, various development theories), but nothing really remains. I’m disappointed to learn that I have not learned what love is. Even after death.
My duty to look at the state of Timor with a critical eye was compromised by a nihilistic blight that hit me at a sweet twenty-five. But how is it fair that I am seeking answers to my existential crises in this project? How can I shake in distaste when it was I that imposed such a heavy responsibility on their shoulders?
**Parallel this ‘felt’ experience with Ho Jin’s physical experience.
Memory part 1
The pain involved in remembering pain. It pains to the point where I would rather be anesthetized. That’s saying a lot, since I exist in the form of my emotions and to go numb would be to live just on the surface. But for the moment, to survive these upcoming moments, I need this pain to pass me. I want to promise it that I will revisit it as soon as I can handle it, but I dare not, for when peace comes, I don’t think I’d ever want to hash through such pain again. You say you are proud of me, for setting aside my fears out of a sense of duty to fulfilling the project. You consider it a beautiful thing. But I don’t deserve that much credit. I may have already trained myself to remember just what I can handle. I may be unconsciously refusing or unable to be true to the truth as it happened. How is that not betrayal?
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
a piece...
a piece that raises questions but not cynicism
a piece that evokes emotion but at the same time, doesn’t leave one hanging or unresolved
But at the end of this I will have not a neat piece of art. It will be full of fingerprints.
a piece that evokes emotion but at the same time, doesn’t leave one hanging or unresolved
But at the end of this I will have not a neat piece of art. It will be full of fingerprints.
Outline from long time ago. Just an outline...
About our experience: a documentary about a documentary.
>>Pain in remembering (for all three of us)
THE ENCOUNTER
o I, with the world of Timor and Ho Jin with an alternate scenario that wasn’t Timor.
• Good in that it encompasses all of my feelings toward the experience.
• Pain is just a small part of it, and mostly for remembering.
There was so much more than just that, wasn’t there?
• Good in that it brings HJ’s experience in parallel with mine
• It’s also nice that this will also focus on the relationship and love between us
o Also show the Timorese.
Not just the pain related to their past but life in all its manifestations.
This, also to explain that we can’t just minimize their experience to ‘pain'--
because pain is different in all contexts and experiences.
>>>Tone doesn’t have to be depressing.
>>>Warm.
>>Pain in remembering (for all three of us)
THE ENCOUNTER
o I, with the world of Timor and Ho Jin with an alternate scenario that wasn’t Timor.
• Good in that it encompasses all of my feelings toward the experience.
• Pain is just a small part of it, and mostly for remembering.
There was so much more than just that, wasn’t there?
• Good in that it brings HJ’s experience in parallel with mine
• It’s also nice that this will also focus on the relationship and love between us
o Also show the Timorese.
Not just the pain related to their past but life in all its manifestations.
This, also to explain that we can’t just minimize their experience to ‘pain'--
because pain is different in all contexts and experiences.
>>>Tone doesn’t have to be depressing.
>>>Warm.
sick of my own writing
i just really want to read some fantastical and exciting prose and go climb a mountain.
Monday, July 21, 2008
loneliness
unni, i am in pain right now!
I spent a little too long ingesting sodium hydroxide and ammonia in an enclosed space and have the worst headache in the history of sun lee. i clogged kyle's toilet and tried to plunge it but the procedure took longer than it should have. by the time i left the bathroom i was light-headed and felt like vomiting. this headache is keeping me from sleeping and so im eating tootsie roll pops and writing while plopped on kyle's couch. i hope morning comes soon, for the dark perpetuates this pain by leaving at my disposal the time to mull over these petty things.
I spent a little too long ingesting sodium hydroxide and ammonia in an enclosed space and have the worst headache in the history of sun lee. i clogged kyle's toilet and tried to plunge it but the procedure took longer than it should have. by the time i left the bathroom i was light-headed and felt like vomiting. this headache is keeping me from sleeping and so im eating tootsie roll pops and writing while plopped on kyle's couch. i hope morning comes soon, for the dark perpetuates this pain by leaving at my disposal the time to mull over these petty things.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
cynics are quitters.
You continue to emphasize that you don’t want the film to speak cynicism. I agree—being a cynic is crass, and unappealing. Here we are two beautiful young people indulging in a passionate and creative work that is socially conscious and appropriate. I agree with you—I don’t want this project to cater to my existential crisis, but a medium that can reach a larger crowd. Though I am by no means a romantic idealist, this issue matters to more people than just you and I.
i imagine...
a piece that raises questions but not cynicism
a piece that evokes emotion but at the same time, doesn’t leave one hanging or unresolved
i imagine...
a piece that raises questions but not cynicism
a piece that evokes emotion but at the same time, doesn’t leave one hanging or unresolved
thoughts on our original three choices...
The first is about memory, the second about truth, and the third is about love (or pain). We have philosophically come full circle with our ponderings. And I smile because regardless of how much effort we put into taking novel and daring approaches, in the end we always come back ourselves--that is, the persons we are. In this case, it is the fact that we feel most comfortable with a theoretical resolution based on grand notions that intrigues me. I see that although we want to be broader in our conceptualizations we do not want to let go of some source of stability, which theory provides for us at the moment. Experiences and feelings come and go and interpretations of them change constantly but things grounded in reason and history not so much.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
사랑은 이런겁니다
I decided to work with unni not knowing what artistic collaboration means
or what it requires.
how naive i was to think it was simple as putting ideas together.
i thought after that simple step, our communication would be purely for logistical reasons.
agh. who would have known how draining it is, how involved i must become.
Before I know it i am pouring myself out to her,
and making sure its in liquid form
so she can absorb me and consume me as she wills.
Comprehending the importance and imperativeness of being understood.
thinking about and to her devotedly
as i am being eaten up by memories of that place far far southeast
because i can't think or write about it without selling myself to the devil.
i thought about and of you all day.
i quite like this.
i think it's because i know
you will reciprocate in a language i understand. . it gives me confidence, comfort.
can you read in between my mispunctuation?
i am inventing a whole new scheme, you see.
see you tomorrow,
your best chicken fillet
or what it requires.
how naive i was to think it was simple as putting ideas together.
i thought after that simple step, our communication would be purely for logistical reasons.
agh. who would have known how draining it is, how involved i must become.
Before I know it i am pouring myself out to her,
and making sure its in liquid form
so she can absorb me and consume me as she wills.
Comprehending the importance and imperativeness of being understood.
thinking about and to her devotedly
as i am being eaten up by memories of that place far far southeast
because i can't think or write about it without selling myself to the devil.
i thought about and of you all day.
i quite like this.
i think it's because i know
you will reciprocate in a language i understand. . it gives me confidence, comfort.
can you read in between my mispunctuation?
i am inventing a whole new scheme, you see.
see you tomorrow,
your best chicken fillet
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Sun in Sunnyland
Sun,
how's everything going on there? you might experience difficulties to come here.
I listened some of our tapes, our voices and talks, which made me miss the stolen mini dv tapes a lot. :) I mean, it really had some points made a listener miss and imagine the visuals about which he or she was listening.
When we talk about something exists very far, we seem to depend on 'explanation' - I thought, while I was listening our voices. well... my dear friend, it was very cloudy today here, and I am about to have new roommates within a few days. ... not easy to convey 'my reality' to you, even to you - who is my close one and just left 3 days ago from here. Is it physical distance or just the limitation of 'expression' make it hard?
how's everything going on there? you might experience difficulties to come here.
I listened some of our tapes, our voices and talks, which made me miss the stolen mini dv tapes a lot. :) I mean, it really had some points made a listener miss and imagine the visuals about which he or she was listening.
When we talk about something exists very far, we seem to depend on 'explanation' - I thought, while I was listening our voices. well... my dear friend, it was very cloudy today here, and I am about to have new roommates within a few days. ... not easy to convey 'my reality' to you, even to you - who is my close one and just left 3 days ago from here. Is it physical distance or just the limitation of 'expression' make it hard?
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