Memory part 1

The pain involved in remembering pain. It pains to the point where I would rather be anesthetized. That’s saying a lot, since I exist in the form of my emotions and to go numb would be to live just on the surface. But for the moment, to survive these upcoming moments, I need this pain to pass me. I want to promise it that I will revisit it as soon as I can handle it, but I dare not, for when peace comes, I don’t think I’d ever want to hash through such pain again. You say you are proud of me, for setting aside my fears out of a sense of duty to fulfilling the project. You consider it a beautiful thing. But I don’t deserve that much credit. I may have already trained myself to remember just what I can handle. I may be unconsciously refusing or unable to be true to the truth as it happened. How is that not betrayal?