Wednesday, July 30, 2008
fried rice?
The drive down to Hato Udo, in Ainaro district, was wet and long. After three hours of driving, we stopped by this guesthouse in order to refresh ourselves and get a bite to eat. On the 2 hour of waiting for our food to come out (actually quite typical of Timor), I decided to venture into the kitchen to see what the hell was going on back there.
nasty coffee
I hadn’t really slept properly the night before, with the need to change the tape in my dv camera every hour during the capturing process. When morning came, I was exhausted and wasn’t sure if I could do the drive to Atambua. But I realized I had little choice as Sisto was going to accompany me to West Timor that day, and the last thing I wanted to do was to cancel on him. I didn’t want him to get the impression that I wasn’t excited about this, because the translator’s enthusiasm matters a great deal in how the interview turns out. So I threw something on, rubbing my sleepy eyes, and got into the car. Needless to say, I needed caffeine soon after our departure and we stopped by some shack in order to get some.
Kopi Indonesia actually tasted better than it looked. Too bad it wasn’t Café Timor though.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Inventory
Today I did an inventory of what we have, what we don't have, and what we should have (which will be sent by that crazy fool Julio).
hell, I wish I could be in Timor right now to ring his neck.
----------------------------------------------------
Currently have: 8 tapes
22, 23, 24, 25, 26, [1, 3, 4 of Atambua]
Gave them:
Tape 2, 3, 4, 6, 7 (not sure—UNTL/Sisto), 8 + 9 (Becora), 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16 + 17 (Matak), 19, 20, 22 (Maun Julino—don’t need tape), 24, 25, 26, [4 atambua series]
this is 24 without 7, so I must have given them 7 and one more. Which?
Need to request the following video numbers from MS Center:
2, 3, 4 (?), 6, 7 (?), 8 or 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16 or 17, 19, 20
total: 12 or if including the question marks, 14 total.
Worthy interviews (filmed ok and translated decently)
• Tape 2: Pascoela de Deus, Pedro Arrauso Lemos
• Tape 3: the woman who had father killed, the girl that had father killed
• Tape 6: Maubara/Alfonso (CAVR) –half of Derek’s landlord
• *just one of Tape 8 or 9--Becora
• Tape 10: Ermera (Mauricio dos Reis, Adriano Lemos)
• Tape 11: Ermera day 2 at market (Mario Etposto, et al)
• Tape 12: Same/Hato Udo
• Tape 13: the Hato Udo guerilla fighters
• Tape 15: Manatuto—guy at fishing village and Jose’s friend schoolteacher
• *just one of Tape 16 or 17--Matak
• Tape 19: IDP Camp (2 interviews)
• Tape 20: Same—Janio’s dad
• Tape 22: Maun Julino
• Tape 24: Liquica commemoration—the woman that had baby in church and Edio’s moving voice on the loudspeaker during ceremony
• Tape 25 and 26—all Liquica comm. But I think they are pretty good
• Atambua series—ditto.
They now owe me about 10 tapes worth of transcr/translations.
I will email you a rough copy of the document I've compiled. It's not well sorted though, so just read it if you're bored.
hell, I wish I could be in Timor right now to ring his neck.
----------------------------------------------------
Currently have: 8 tapes
22, 23, 24, 25, 26, [1, 3, 4 of Atambua]
Gave them:
Tape 2, 3, 4, 6, 7 (not sure—UNTL/Sisto), 8 + 9 (Becora), 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16 + 17 (Matak), 19, 20, 22 (Maun Julino—don’t need tape), 24, 25, 26, [4 atambua series]
this is 24 without 7, so I must have given them 7 and one more. Which?
Need to request the following video numbers from MS Center:
2, 3, 4 (?), 6, 7 (?), 8 or 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16 or 17, 19, 20
total: 12 or if including the question marks, 14 total.
Worthy interviews (filmed ok and translated decently)
• Tape 2: Pascoela de Deus, Pedro Arrauso Lemos
• Tape 3: the woman who had father killed, the girl that had father killed
• Tape 6: Maubara/Alfonso (CAVR) –half of Derek’s landlord
• *just one of Tape 8 or 9--Becora
• Tape 10: Ermera (Mauricio dos Reis, Adriano Lemos)
• Tape 11: Ermera day 2 at market (Mario Etposto, et al)
• Tape 12: Same/Hato Udo
• Tape 13: the Hato Udo guerilla fighters
• Tape 15: Manatuto—guy at fishing village and Jose’s friend schoolteacher
• *just one of Tape 16 or 17--Matak
• Tape 19: IDP Camp (2 interviews)
• Tape 20: Same—Janio’s dad
• Tape 22: Maun Julino
• Tape 24: Liquica commemoration—the woman that had baby in church and Edio’s moving voice on the loudspeaker during ceremony
• Tape 25 and 26—all Liquica comm. But I think they are pretty good
• Atambua series—ditto.
They now owe me about 10 tapes worth of transcr/translations.
I will email you a rough copy of the document I've compiled. It's not well sorted though, so just read it if you're bored.
Stolen footage
Looking through my list of video contents on each tape I am realizing what I have lost. I didn’t think it mattered that much to me but the idea of them being forever irretrievable brings a bitter taste to my mouth. I’m not sad, but disheartened, I guess.
The work I did is in ruins and whatever heart I had for Timor is broken.
The work I did is in ruins and whatever heart I had for Timor is broken.
Monday, July 28, 2008
i wrote this in my notebook in timor...not sure if i still feel this way.
My critical and analytical self is being (mis)directed by the person that I am at this juncture in life, at 25 years. At this place in time, I am confused, cynical, and questioning of everything I have ever known or believed. I am no longer patient enough to preach peace, or have the energy to build hope from the ground up. It’s not a matter of arrogance—for it’s not that I think I know better. I don’t, and that’s precisely why I just don’t feel very hopeful about the course of world events. Or perhaps I unconsciously refuse to believe so I wouldn’t get hurt as much.
memory part 3
My impressions on how people seemed to be coping with the past.
Are they forgetting/putting aside in order to move on or are they living or coping with the past so they can live to see something be done about it? What thoughts about colonialism and post-colonialism? To think that colonialism can have such a legacy upon a people. When we look at world history as a whole, it becomes obvious that colonialism was one of the strongest historical forces that changed the fate of modern society. A lot of the problems we now deal with today are direct consequences of the historical past. In many cases, genocides and war are closely related to a history of colonial rule and the ethnic and social tensions that rose during or after the period of colonization. Funny thing is that it seems though, that the colonized are not so aware, or do not care to analyze their situation in such historical terms. And it makes me wonder whether these theoretical ponderings are also a western approach to engaging with the other world. We look it as subjects of analysis and take a formulaic approach to try to understand them. Instead of learning by association, by fully immersing oneself into a culture and their habits, we go there with pen and paper, being the mindful and careful anthropologists we were well trained to be. To me the setup is less than genuine, and even tragic in some ways. So is it impossible for the west to ‘observe’ or ‘study’ a culture or phenomenon in the east without subscribing to (perpetuating?) this dynamic? I guess this is what I realized when I was there and what made me shake in distaste. Although not purely anthropological, my project was to still, to solicit their opinion, record it, and bring it back to ‘my world’ for show.
But should I be that harsh to myself? Setting aside what it looks like theoretically from the outside, I as an individual had better intent than that. I was aware of this pitfall, but hoped I could, as a student of such modern dilemmas, approach the Timorese from the their side of the looking glass. I meant to say that I was one of them and I was willing to fight the ivory tower with them. I meant to tell them that I understand their dilemmas and frustrations and that I would be a part of their voice. For the time that I was there, I wanted to set aside my own theoretical suspicions in order to take them for who they were. But regardless of what I “meant” to do, amidst the continuing force of global order, the most I could do was merely to confront reality, but not so far as to change the status quo. During interviews I often found myself drifting off into a lament about the set-up of the current world order, of how the third world is made to be accountable to the first but not vice versa. Also, of how violent it is that these people are asked to tell their stories for our interpretation of their situation…
To all of you that have encouraged and (much too hastily) congratulated me on my efforts to bring their voices up on our terms, our stage, our podium, how am I supposed to tell you that many Timorese asked for monetary compensation in return for their personal stories? Their attitude was that they were doing me a service and I should pay for the service. I was acutely shocked when I was asked it, but then I wondered, why not? Researchers come there all the time asking for the locals’ favor to finish their dissertation paper or a report for the NGO they work at, but the Timorese are left with nothing, less an empty heart. This is precisely the reasoning the solicitors brought forth. And in cases of desperation, we all know that saving face takes no precedent. How can we place shame on someone’s decision to capitalize on something, when that means having food for his family for a week? This is what I mean, when I say theory is so irrelevant when it comes down to the fundamentals. Dangling meat in front of starving people is unethical only to those that have the leisure to ponder the morality of such an act.
Are they forgetting/putting aside in order to move on or are they living or coping with the past so they can live to see something be done about it? What thoughts about colonialism and post-colonialism? To think that colonialism can have such a legacy upon a people. When we look at world history as a whole, it becomes obvious that colonialism was one of the strongest historical forces that changed the fate of modern society. A lot of the problems we now deal with today are direct consequences of the historical past. In many cases, genocides and war are closely related to a history of colonial rule and the ethnic and social tensions that rose during or after the period of colonization. Funny thing is that it seems though, that the colonized are not so aware, or do not care to analyze their situation in such historical terms. And it makes me wonder whether these theoretical ponderings are also a western approach to engaging with the other world. We look it as subjects of analysis and take a formulaic approach to try to understand them. Instead of learning by association, by fully immersing oneself into a culture and their habits, we go there with pen and paper, being the mindful and careful anthropologists we were well trained to be. To me the setup is less than genuine, and even tragic in some ways. So is it impossible for the west to ‘observe’ or ‘study’ a culture or phenomenon in the east without subscribing to (perpetuating?) this dynamic? I guess this is what I realized when I was there and what made me shake in distaste. Although not purely anthropological, my project was to still, to solicit their opinion, record it, and bring it back to ‘my world’ for show.
But should I be that harsh to myself? Setting aside what it looks like theoretically from the outside, I as an individual had better intent than that. I was aware of this pitfall, but hoped I could, as a student of such modern dilemmas, approach the Timorese from the their side of the looking glass. I meant to say that I was one of them and I was willing to fight the ivory tower with them. I meant to tell them that I understand their dilemmas and frustrations and that I would be a part of their voice. For the time that I was there, I wanted to set aside my own theoretical suspicions in order to take them for who they were. But regardless of what I “meant” to do, amidst the continuing force of global order, the most I could do was merely to confront reality, but not so far as to change the status quo. During interviews I often found myself drifting off into a lament about the set-up of the current world order, of how the third world is made to be accountable to the first but not vice versa. Also, of how violent it is that these people are asked to tell their stories for our interpretation of their situation…
To all of you that have encouraged and (much too hastily) congratulated me on my efforts to bring their voices up on our terms, our stage, our podium, how am I supposed to tell you that many Timorese asked for monetary compensation in return for their personal stories? Their attitude was that they were doing me a service and I should pay for the service. I was acutely shocked when I was asked it, but then I wondered, why not? Researchers come there all the time asking for the locals’ favor to finish their dissertation paper or a report for the NGO they work at, but the Timorese are left with nothing, less an empty heart. This is precisely the reasoning the solicitors brought forth. And in cases of desperation, we all know that saving face takes no precedent. How can we place shame on someone’s decision to capitalize on something, when that means having food for his family for a week? This is what I mean, when I say theory is so irrelevant when it comes down to the fundamentals. Dangling meat in front of starving people is unethical only to those that have the leisure to ponder the morality of such an act.
Memory part 2
The encounter itself. How are we to feel, what are we supposed to say?
I was never sure of these things so I role-played. The encounter between the interviewer and the interviewee becomes a game, a fabrication of sorts. I feel what I am supposed to feel given the difficult stories I am programmed to listen to, but compassion soon turns into disinterest, and language…into silence. Was this a result of realizing that what I thought was so important and relevant does not carry the same significance in the whole of things? Realizing that I had looked at an entire country and a people with a singular view, that is, ‘a people in need of something, i.e justice?’ Then I have to wonder whether I had made the wrong decision in devoting a year of my life to this. I did everything that I was supposed to do and did it well—endured (life and living) circumstances, reveled in excitement and anticipation (over both people and events), exerted my physical and emotional body, and thought hard about the global social order (relief work, war crimes, various development theories), but nothing really remains. I’m disappointed to learn that I have not learned what love is. Even after death.
My duty to look at the state of Timor with a critical eye was compromised by a nihilistic blight that hit me at a sweet twenty-five. But how is it fair that I am seeking answers to my existential crises in this project? How can I shake in distaste when it was I that imposed such a heavy responsibility on their shoulders?
**Parallel this ‘felt’ experience with Ho Jin’s physical experience.
I was never sure of these things so I role-played. The encounter between the interviewer and the interviewee becomes a game, a fabrication of sorts. I feel what I am supposed to feel given the difficult stories I am programmed to listen to, but compassion soon turns into disinterest, and language…into silence. Was this a result of realizing that what I thought was so important and relevant does not carry the same significance in the whole of things? Realizing that I had looked at an entire country and a people with a singular view, that is, ‘a people in need of something, i.e justice?’ Then I have to wonder whether I had made the wrong decision in devoting a year of my life to this. I did everything that I was supposed to do and did it well—endured (life and living) circumstances, reveled in excitement and anticipation (over both people and events), exerted my physical and emotional body, and thought hard about the global social order (relief work, war crimes, various development theories), but nothing really remains. I’m disappointed to learn that I have not learned what love is. Even after death.
My duty to look at the state of Timor with a critical eye was compromised by a nihilistic blight that hit me at a sweet twenty-five. But how is it fair that I am seeking answers to my existential crises in this project? How can I shake in distaste when it was I that imposed such a heavy responsibility on their shoulders?
**Parallel this ‘felt’ experience with Ho Jin’s physical experience.
Memory part 1
The pain involved in remembering pain. It pains to the point where I would rather be anesthetized. That’s saying a lot, since I exist in the form of my emotions and to go numb would be to live just on the surface. But for the moment, to survive these upcoming moments, I need this pain to pass me. I want to promise it that I will revisit it as soon as I can handle it, but I dare not, for when peace comes, I don’t think I’d ever want to hash through such pain again. You say you are proud of me, for setting aside my fears out of a sense of duty to fulfilling the project. You consider it a beautiful thing. But I don’t deserve that much credit. I may have already trained myself to remember just what I can handle. I may be unconsciously refusing or unable to be true to the truth as it happened. How is that not betrayal?
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
a piece...
a piece that raises questions but not cynicism
a piece that evokes emotion but at the same time, doesn’t leave one hanging or unresolved
But at the end of this I will have not a neat piece of art. It will be full of fingerprints.
a piece that evokes emotion but at the same time, doesn’t leave one hanging or unresolved
But at the end of this I will have not a neat piece of art. It will be full of fingerprints.
Outline from long time ago. Just an outline...
About our experience: a documentary about a documentary.
>>Pain in remembering (for all three of us)
THE ENCOUNTER
o I, with the world of Timor and Ho Jin with an alternate scenario that wasn’t Timor.
• Good in that it encompasses all of my feelings toward the experience.
• Pain is just a small part of it, and mostly for remembering.
There was so much more than just that, wasn’t there?
• Good in that it brings HJ’s experience in parallel with mine
• It’s also nice that this will also focus on the relationship and love between us
o Also show the Timorese.
Not just the pain related to their past but life in all its manifestations.
This, also to explain that we can’t just minimize their experience to ‘pain'--
because pain is different in all contexts and experiences.
>>>Tone doesn’t have to be depressing.
>>>Warm.
>>Pain in remembering (for all three of us)
THE ENCOUNTER
o I, with the world of Timor and Ho Jin with an alternate scenario that wasn’t Timor.
• Good in that it encompasses all of my feelings toward the experience.
• Pain is just a small part of it, and mostly for remembering.
There was so much more than just that, wasn’t there?
• Good in that it brings HJ’s experience in parallel with mine
• It’s also nice that this will also focus on the relationship and love between us
o Also show the Timorese.
Not just the pain related to their past but life in all its manifestations.
This, also to explain that we can’t just minimize their experience to ‘pain'--
because pain is different in all contexts and experiences.
>>>Tone doesn’t have to be depressing.
>>>Warm.
sick of my own writing
i just really want to read some fantastical and exciting prose and go climb a mountain.
Monday, July 21, 2008
loneliness
unni, i am in pain right now!
I spent a little too long ingesting sodium hydroxide and ammonia in an enclosed space and have the worst headache in the history of sun lee. i clogged kyle's toilet and tried to plunge it but the procedure took longer than it should have. by the time i left the bathroom i was light-headed and felt like vomiting. this headache is keeping me from sleeping and so im eating tootsie roll pops and writing while plopped on kyle's couch. i hope morning comes soon, for the dark perpetuates this pain by leaving at my disposal the time to mull over these petty things.
I spent a little too long ingesting sodium hydroxide and ammonia in an enclosed space and have the worst headache in the history of sun lee. i clogged kyle's toilet and tried to plunge it but the procedure took longer than it should have. by the time i left the bathroom i was light-headed and felt like vomiting. this headache is keeping me from sleeping and so im eating tootsie roll pops and writing while plopped on kyle's couch. i hope morning comes soon, for the dark perpetuates this pain by leaving at my disposal the time to mull over these petty things.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
cynics are quitters.
You continue to emphasize that you don’t want the film to speak cynicism. I agree—being a cynic is crass, and unappealing. Here we are two beautiful young people indulging in a passionate and creative work that is socially conscious and appropriate. I agree with you—I don’t want this project to cater to my existential crisis, but a medium that can reach a larger crowd. Though I am by no means a romantic idealist, this issue matters to more people than just you and I.
i imagine...
a piece that raises questions but not cynicism
a piece that evokes emotion but at the same time, doesn’t leave one hanging or unresolved
i imagine...
a piece that raises questions but not cynicism
a piece that evokes emotion but at the same time, doesn’t leave one hanging or unresolved
thoughts on our original three choices...
The first is about memory, the second about truth, and the third is about love (or pain). We have philosophically come full circle with our ponderings. And I smile because regardless of how much effort we put into taking novel and daring approaches, in the end we always come back ourselves--that is, the persons we are. In this case, it is the fact that we feel most comfortable with a theoretical resolution based on grand notions that intrigues me. I see that although we want to be broader in our conceptualizations we do not want to let go of some source of stability, which theory provides for us at the moment. Experiences and feelings come and go and interpretations of them change constantly but things grounded in reason and history not so much.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
사랑은 이런겁니다
I decided to work with unni not knowing what artistic collaboration means
or what it requires.
how naive i was to think it was simple as putting ideas together.
i thought after that simple step, our communication would be purely for logistical reasons.
agh. who would have known how draining it is, how involved i must become.
Before I know it i am pouring myself out to her,
and making sure its in liquid form
so she can absorb me and consume me as she wills.
Comprehending the importance and imperativeness of being understood.
thinking about and to her devotedly
as i am being eaten up by memories of that place far far southeast
because i can't think or write about it without selling myself to the devil.
i thought about and of you all day.
i quite like this.
i think it's because i know
you will reciprocate in a language i understand. . it gives me confidence, comfort.
can you read in between my mispunctuation?
i am inventing a whole new scheme, you see.
see you tomorrow,
your best chicken fillet
or what it requires.
how naive i was to think it was simple as putting ideas together.
i thought after that simple step, our communication would be purely for logistical reasons.
agh. who would have known how draining it is, how involved i must become.
Before I know it i am pouring myself out to her,
and making sure its in liquid form
so she can absorb me and consume me as she wills.
Comprehending the importance and imperativeness of being understood.
thinking about and to her devotedly
as i am being eaten up by memories of that place far far southeast
because i can't think or write about it without selling myself to the devil.
i thought about and of you all day.
i quite like this.
i think it's because i know
you will reciprocate in a language i understand. . it gives me confidence, comfort.
can you read in between my mispunctuation?
i am inventing a whole new scheme, you see.
see you tomorrow,
your best chicken fillet
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Sun in Sunnyland
Sun,
how's everything going on there? you might experience difficulties to come here.
I listened some of our tapes, our voices and talks, which made me miss the stolen mini dv tapes a lot. :) I mean, it really had some points made a listener miss and imagine the visuals about which he or she was listening.
When we talk about something exists very far, we seem to depend on 'explanation' - I thought, while I was listening our voices. well... my dear friend, it was very cloudy today here, and I am about to have new roommates within a few days. ... not easy to convey 'my reality' to you, even to you - who is my close one and just left 3 days ago from here. Is it physical distance or just the limitation of 'expression' make it hard?
how's everything going on there? you might experience difficulties to come here.
I listened some of our tapes, our voices and talks, which made me miss the stolen mini dv tapes a lot. :) I mean, it really had some points made a listener miss and imagine the visuals about which he or she was listening.
When we talk about something exists very far, we seem to depend on 'explanation' - I thought, while I was listening our voices. well... my dear friend, it was very cloudy today here, and I am about to have new roommates within a few days. ... not easy to convey 'my reality' to you, even to you - who is my close one and just left 3 days ago from here. Is it physical distance or just the limitation of 'expression' make it hard?
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